by Liz – September 2009
Early in the morning. Did not sleep yet. Wrote letters all night – to mother, to my boyfriend, to my best friend. And every letter contains hope. For understanding, for help … Because all alone I’ll never make it from down there to the top again. But the fear of appearing in the light in such a way that you startle yourself is great. Because underground you don’t see all the scars, the tired face, the skinny body. You can hide underground, you can be invisible. But up there, with the light, you can see everything clearly and defined, you don’t stumble like you do in the dark.
These are two very different levels – like black and white.
There is a way to get into the twilight. You can’t see everything there, but there is enough light. But to live there you need a lot of energy and strength. For you may hide your scars in the twilight; but not your person.
Not many manage to stay and live in the twilight. Because it is not easy to hide and play with open cards at the same time. That’s why many choose either the light or the darkness.
And I’m underground right now. And every now and then I’m yanked out into the light.
Light is often compared to good and darkness to evil. But I think in the light you can see everything that you shouldn’t see. ‚Cause it’s like day and night. During the day you see all the dirt and garbage in the city; however, at night the city looks mysterious and clean. Nowadays people pay more attention to outside appearances. But you can be sorely mistaken. Not every apple that looks so tasty and juicy – is edible. But not every psychopath, for example, looks crazy either.
Yes, life is very diverse and offers many surprises that are not necessarily pleasant.
Everyone has their own package to carry, one has a smaller one, another a larger one. No human is like another. Everyone is unique in some sense. No life is worthless from the start – you can make it worthless. Everyone deserves to live, but what you make of your life is another matter.
And I think no one should decide about someone else’s life and certainly not take your life away from you.
Everyone should decide for themselves to take their own life – either one takes one’s life, in the sense of trying to use life. Or you take your own life, in the sense of throwing your life away. Not necessarily by killing yourself. You can also take your own life by turning your life into a permanent torture.
Some are grateful to be alive. Others feel punished with life. In the meantime, there are predetermined basics of how to live: you should go to school well, adapt, try to get a secure job, start a family, bring children into the world, among other things. And then the „ideal life“ consists of work – family – work – family – a short vacation – work…
Where is the life in this?!
Where is the joie de vivre in such a boring process?
But these days, that’s how it is for most people. Because society is like that these days. And if you differ from society in any way, you’re talking about – right – subcultures, be it punks or goths. Then you’re just not normal, then you’re the scum of society. Today you are on your own. Nobody is accepted as they are.
Either you adapt and swim with the current.
Or you don’t change for the others and become an outsider. But there are many outsiders who form groups, because then you are not alone when you are dissatisfied with society, but two, three, five, twenty!
And then it starts – demonstrations, boycotts, strikes, rebellion…